if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
