I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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