we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
