I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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