YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
