weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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