I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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