its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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