i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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