those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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