I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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