I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
