My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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