My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
