i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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