I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
