You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
