"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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