I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
