Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
