The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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