Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
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Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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