chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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