Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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