just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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