Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
