I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
