the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
