The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage