I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!