Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea