Moan for me like Helen Keller
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
