U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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