My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
