I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
