a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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