Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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