I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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