Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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