If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
