The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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