My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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