...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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