in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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