Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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