theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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