If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
