JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
