i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's shark week go big or go home
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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