I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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