Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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