Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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