DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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