would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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