When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
