o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
