I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
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Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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