omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
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i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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