When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
