how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
